Monday, August 30, 2010

Some thoughts for a Monday

1. Let's all just stop having this conversation: "Oh my! It is 95 degrees and 80% humidity outside. We are all going to die!" "But oh, I lived in [insert name of southwestern locale here], and it was 110 degrees outside every day! I am impervious to heat." "But that was A DRY HEAT."

As a public service, I am going to settle this debate once and for all. They are equal. 95 degrees + 80% humidity = 110 degrees + 20% humidity. Consider the matter closed. We are all equally tough.

2. If you feel the need to drag a rolling backpack or briefcase back and forth to work every day, then perhaps you should invest in some organizational courses because you clearly have too much stuff. Your desire to take your hoarding on the road is going to kill someone one day. When there are 1,000 people behind you on the escalator standing approximately 4 inches apart, that 5 seconds you take to bend down and re-extend the handle of your oversized commuter bag undoubtedly leads to the person behind you leaping frantically to avoid the inevitable stampede at the bottom of the escalator. One day that person behind you is going to be a 95-year old holocaust survivor with a cane, so think of how bad you'll feel when she gets crushed in a metro station after fighting so hard to survive the Nazis.

3. As long as we're on the subject of public transportation, I would like to take this opportunity to point out that standing closer together will not load the bus faster. It's like the bus is a black hole, and as soon as the door opens, the crowd outside gets sucked into the vacuum. Apparently the more mass you have, the faster you get sucked inside.

4. Jeggings. Really? REALLY?

5. Fried butter is a real thing. We are all going to die [for real this time, not just like in #1].


raych said...

AHH THE LOLS! Holocaust survivor indeed. I used to nanny two small children which meant that I had an ENORMOUS stroller, and obviously the children wouldn't be in it when we were on the escalator because danger, but an enormous empty stroller is still too heavy to jump back a few steps with when someone stops to confabulate at the base of an escalator, and I would use that as an excuse to RAM them, without compulsion.

Many people were rammed that year, because people are idiots about gathering at the bases of escalators.

Jax said...

Jeggings? Surely those can't be real. It's some kind of internet joke, right?

Kristin J said...

Jeggings look like glorified spandex. I'm with you on the heat thing.

Nandi said...

I completely concur on the whole temp and commuter issue. Esp. the commuting.

gretchen said...

Only 4 pieces of fried butter in a serving? I want it super sized!

muchadored said...

Jeggings are so creepy! I. Am. Terrified.

Also, you = hilarious.

joanne said...

it has been troublesome to me for a while now that the 80's fashions are back. They were bad then and they are bad now. The neon armed sunglasses, leggings and tunics are fine examples.
i like how the article on jeggings says "find a pair that suit your body type" how can there possibly be more than one type of leggings?? they are leggings.
also, there is only one body type that possibly looks good in them. they are the waif skinny bizzaro world models. .0037 percent of the population. no one else should wear these.

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