On the Road

Cookeville, Tennessee - In the past 2 days, I've driven about 1,100 miles. To pass mile after mind-numbing mile, I've been listening to a book on tape and singing along loudly to everything from Seether to the Dixie Chicks. But most interestingly, I've been reading billboards.

There are the standard hotel and restaurant advertisements, but those I barely glance at. What I'm referring to is the astounding number of "vasectomy reversal" boards, as well as those advertising local cowboy-themed attractions. I even saw one saying that we should boycott KFC for doing something bad to chickens (the type was too small for my horrible vision.)

BUT, my favorite so far has to be the God quotes. There are many black and white billboards with quotes claiming to be from God. Here are two great ones:

"Is the road you are on leading you to me? - God"

"As my apprentice, you are never fired. - God"

As to the first one, it was located on the road to Dallas, and I'm pretty sure that's not where God lives. And the second quote only seems to imply that God is a fan of reality shows starring Donald Trump.

New Pictures

There are a few new pictures up on the picture site - click on "My Pictures" over on the side for the link. Here are two from a recent trip to Guadalupe Mountains National Park in McKittrick Canyon. 6.8 miles roundtrip to the grotto, which is the very cool looking rock formation.

Dates in Heaven

Working at the information desk, I've been asked all sorts of things. Mostly it's just "Where's the bathroom?" or "What time is bat flight?", but on occasion it gets interesting. One person recently even asked me what the meaning of life was.

Yesterday, however, I got a winner. A very old man asked me if I would go on a date with him. 75 years from now. In heaven.

Apparently, this old man (who is traveling with his wife) is going across the country trying to round up 288,000 dates in heaven, 75 years from now. Why this number? Who knows. After all, this man is asking people FOR DATES IN HEAVEN. When his wife came up to the desk, I said to her, "Did you know your husband is asking other women for dates in heaven?" She replied, "Yes," and smiled. I guess she's not planning on being there herself.

As to my answer, I told him that I didn't know what I'll being doing in 75 years, and I'd probably be busy that night.

The Last Escape

On Friday night I saw the BEST PLAY EVER. Ok, not really. But it was a play that certainly encouraged smoking in the audience. Perhaps I should be more specific: I saw "The Last Escape of Billy the Kid," put on as part of Old Lincoln Days in the tiny village of Lincoln, New Mexico. The town is famous for its role in the old west, mostly because of the 5-day Lincoln County War.

The play (or pageant, as they call it) is shown in an outdoor amphitheater (where it does rain, as we found out) with a very nice elaborate set. There are many actors, however none of them speak during the play, as most of the characters are narrated by the oldest man in the world. The lighting cues are off, there are tell-tale pauses as the script pages are turned, and the donkey usually doesn't want to cooperate, but really, it's worth seeing, if only because its the longest running folk play in the United States. AND, you can smoke while you watch it!

Are you serious?

I used to think that "jaywalking" thing on the Leno Show was fake, and that they were really just actors pretending to be stupid. Until I started working here.

The other day I was walking through the cave, when I saw two guys standing by a pit with a ladder going down into it. It is an old ladder, falling apart, and is just there for display. It is attatched to the top of the pit with a long metal pole that is embedded in the rock, and the ladder hangs off of that pole. The two guys seemed really fascinated with this metal pole. One says to the other, "Wow, how do you think they got that metal pole stuck in the rock like that?" His friend replies, "Maybe the rock was softer back then."

I've also come to the conclusion that not many people know how far a mile is. (It's 5,280 feet.) On the elevator, people always ask how far the elevator goes, and when I answer "750 feet," they will inevitably ask how many miles that is. One man even attempted to answer that question himself, saying, "Wow, that's like 2 1/2 miles!!"

You can't make this stuff up.

Vegas, Baby, Vegas

To tell the truth, I thought I would hate Las Vegas - hoards of drunken masses, a cacaphony of noises, rampant cigarette smoke. But, I LOVED IT! How great is it to not worry about closing times? Since I'm legendarily cheap, we pretty much did every possible that's free. We saw the inside of almost all of the giant hotels (my favorite was the Bellagio, ironic because I am, as previously stated, cheap.) I observed the volcano go off in front of the Mirage, saw living statues in the Venetian, and watched Bulgarians fly over the casino in the Tropicana. The best, however, were the dancing fountains in front of the Bellagio, which I watched no less than 7 times.

I loved that it was crazy . . . where else can you drink a yard of margarita while strolling past Armani and Channel? Where else do you see women, dressed up to go clubbing, pushing a stroller in front of them at midnight? That all being said, I was glad to go back home to my desert hideway where it is quiet and still.

And finally, I did not gamble, even one cent. And I'm sure I have more money now because of it.

My Apartment

It looks like I will not be homeless after all come August! I have a great apartment in Delaware, complete with a swimming pool, fitness center, and a balcony! It is supposedly surrounded by trees as well, something completely unknown to me after living in Kansas and New Mexico for the past 2 years. Although, I am slightly distraught by the fact that the next time I move, I won't be able to fit everything in my car.

Art Festival

The Art Party 2005 was a great success, with great entries including a K-9 ranger dog, melted crayon ranger, bat-shaped photo montage, duct tape creations, ticket stub earrings, a superintendent ranger stuffed bear, a cheesecake, an interpretive dance, guitar performances, and custom made mad-libs, among others. I made a screen for the TV which looked something like this (this isn't mine exactly.) For this I won the "Most Creative" award, which was a paint-by-number stained glass elephant (from the Dollar store.)

Although, I have to say that the real fun was had towards the end of the evening when the dinosaur puppet came out. I truly love a place where grown people can play with a dinosaur puppet openly. As a certain person always says, "Failure to grow up is a victimless crime."

I'm not Dutch

Every once in a while, I'll encounter someone who's logic I cannot grasp. Take the following conversation, which took place on a cave trail with a 60-year-old man.

Man: So, what's your name again?
Me: Sarah.
Man: Oh, so are you Dutch?
Me: Um, no, I'm not.
Man: That's weird, because my mother's name was Sarah and she's Dutch.

He must not get out much.

I'm An Idiot

In general, I consider myself a fairly intelligent person. The desert sun, however, has appeared to have clouded my judgement.

The other day, while I was home for lunch, I brillantly decided to work on a crafty magnet project using superglue. And of course, I manage (almost) to glue my fingers together - I opened them in time, however did not escape without coating my fingers. Going next door to your 18-year-old EMT neighbor with the question "Do you have anything that will remove superglue from human flesh?" is slightly embarassing.

Oh, it doesn't stop there. Later in the day, while cleaning helmets from a caving tour, I discover that a battery has exploded, leaking acid everywhere. So what do I do? Why, stand there, of course, letting the acid slowly seep into my bloodstream while staring blankly at my hands. Luckily, the same 18-year-old EMT was there to save me once again.

The night before, I had embarked on a baking adventure, floating on a recent high of cooking successes. So, I must have believed myself infalible when I read "Not to be used for baking" on the back of the "light" margarine stick and decided they didn't know what they were talking about. Um, they knew what they were talking about. Cookie crumbs, anyone?